I always want to write just a daily post like this, and then when I open up the “write a new post” tab I just kind of sit here and forget all those words that I was just thinking in my head. How rude. Well fine, then I’ll just ramble for a minute until those words come back to me.
You know that we are all faced with things in life that don’t come easy to us. I love writing on this blog about all of the cool things I get to do, but I rarely talk about the other shit, or how miserable I sometimes feel. Like when I am in language school and struggling through each day and each test always feeling like I am not trying hard enough. Or that I have to save all of my money in the event that I am jobless this time next year.
It’s hard to say those things or talk about it because you we spend all of our time focused on certain goals and then when you reach those goals and make bigger goals and keep striving for bigger things, there is always the potential that there will come a day that you realize that those were not the goals you should’ve been striving for in the first place.
Like when you pour your heart into learning a language for your job because that’s what they ask of you and you find out that you’re just one minion in a much bigger institution, and that institution does not have time to watch your back the way you’ve poured yourself into it over these past 8+ years. But that’s okay because the biggest lesson I have learned during a process like this is that you can’t define yourself by just one thing.
Who would I be if I was just one thing all my life? I mean there are the Ronda Rousey’s and the Michael Jordan’s, and even the Beethoven’s (don’t mind them 🙂 ), but like I said even they said higher and higher goals for themselves and in the process have had to change those goals because life and age, and all those other things. I’m just saying that it’s okay to have one goal in life, until it’s time to change the goal and focus on different things. What I have learned about myself over these years is that I can be many things. I am a musician, a novelist, a bird lover, a family person, a people person, a simple life type of person, a Naval Officer, a world traveler, a blogger etc. In the great balance of life I have to make sure to balance out all of these things to be that special combination of bad ass + unicorn dust. Don’t worry I make it a personal mission.
So, what then, when life decides to throw a curve ball, and potentially make me start over at the beginning again at the age of 31? Well first there is the ugly crying phase, it’s only fair because well the it’s the way human react to shit. Then after the ugly crying phase, hopefully that is done in private, you do what you need to, for me it’s smoke a hookah, and then you go walk home, and you smile because you knew it was a possibility and you started preparing. You take what you are owed (or feel that you are owed) (don’t steal people, I didn’t mean that!) and then you go peacefully knowing that you were the best you could be and the timing was off and it is time to move on.
It is never a good thing to feel like a failure, but great people didn’t become great by just succeeding at everything. But they did become great by always having a plan B, C, D, E, F, and potentially a G, with maybe even a quick H thrown in there. If things do not go my way come September I will know I could quite possibly be one of the luckiest people in the government to be forced to leave. With a fresh master’s degree, a language certificate, no time owed back for any of it, and a very large severance pay, it will be easy to move on. Which is why it is highly unlikely that the military will allow me to leave. Damn… Just when I was warming up to the idea.
Just know that we all go through things. This 9 months of language training has turned into a real shit sandwich for me and just making it through will be a feat in and of itself. I have been telling people that I am truly not very smart and nobody has been listening. This time I am just trudging through the daily struggle and whether I am smart or not they will be pulling me out of hair while I continue to fight tooth and nail and give it everything I got. This is a true challenge, but it was a goal I had set coming into the Navy so it’s time to nut up or shut up.
Then there is the other matter of planning for the future. I’ve become sort of a hermit who posts way to many bird photos (well at least it’s not cats!) because of the language, but also because I’m saving all of my extra dollars in the event that I am asked to leave the military come September. Better to be prepared then not.
I’m telling you this because although the perception of life and through social media is that everyone’s life is one giant highlight reel after another, but the reality is as human beings that are not challenged by the immediate needs for basic survival and protection, we all go through some rough times. School has always been a challenging time for me and I am just trying to put my head down and get to work. That’s all I can do at this point, and then when the time comes find out what the F is going on and make the next life decision.
And, as my dad reminded me during a very obnoxious and explicit rant the other day, I get to do some pretty cool things in a pretty sweet place. Why is he always right? Here I am miserable as all get out in Monterey California. Time to look at the silver lining!
This article appeared first on The Cassey Excursion.